Dealing with a bully is never easy—especially when that bully is someone you can’t easily avoid, like an ex-spouse, co-parent, or even a former partner who refuses to
move on. Bullies thrive on control, intimidation, and emotional reactions. Whether you’re
facing bullying behavior during a divorce, custody dispute, or everyday life, knowing
how to respond effectively can protect your mental health and your legal interests.
Emotional manipulation and bullying can derail communication and increase conflict.
The good news is, you don’t have to engage in their game—and when necessary, you
can take firm, effective action.
Ignore the Bully When You Can
One of the most powerful tools you have against a bully is silence. Bullies want a
reaction. They thrive on attention, conflict, and emotional chaos. When you refuse to
engage, you take away their power.
You Don’t Have to React to Everything
Just because a bully says something provocative, that doesn’t mean you owe them a
response. Learning to pause before replying—or deciding not to reply at all—can
prevent escalation. Ask yourself:
Does this comment require a response?
Will replying make the situation better or worse?
In many cases, ignoring baseless accusations, insults, or attempts to get a rise out of
you is the best course of action. Respond only when necessary—such as when the
matter directly affects your children, finances, or legal rights.
Not every message, email, or comment deserves your energy. If it’s simply rude or
disrespectful, make a note of it let it go. By focusing your attention only on what truly
matters, you stay calm, maintain control, and deny the bully the satisfaction of getting
under your skin.
When You Must Communicate, Use the BIFF Method
Sometimes, ignoring a bully isn’t an option—especially if you share children, assets, or
ongoing legal responsibilities. In those cases, the BIFF Method, is a proven way to
communicate effectively with high-conflict personalities. The BIFF Method includes the
following:
B – Be Brief
Keep your responses short and to the point. Avoid lengthy explanations or emotional
commentary. The less you say, the fewer opportunities they have to twist your words.
I – Be Informative
Stick to the facts. Provide only the information that is needed to move the issue forward.
This helps keep the focus on solutions instead of arguments.
F – Be Firm
Set boundaries clearly. Don’t leave room for manipulation or repeated arguments. A firm
response communicates that you’re not going to be pushed around—but do so without
hostility.
F – Be Friendly
You can be polite without being submissive. A neutral, respectful tone helps de-escalate
tension and shows that you’re in control of your emotions.
Using the BIFF method not only helps you manage communication more effectively—it
also creates a written record of calm, factual correspondence. This can be invaluable in
legal proceedings, where professionalism and restraint carry weight.
When a Bully Crosses the Line, Take Action
Ignoring and de-escalating only go so far. If a bully begins to encroach on your rights,
safety, or well-being, it’s time to take decisive action.
Learn What Requires Action—and What Doesn’t
Some situations call for firm boundaries but not legal intervention. Others—like
harassment, threats, or violations of court orders—may require immediate action.
Understanding the difference helps you respond appropriately and avoid unnecessary
drama.
If you’re unsure whether to act, consult with a family law attorney who can help you
assess your options. In Oregon, that might mean filing for a restraining order, seeking a
custody modification, or having your attorney communicate on your behalf to reduce
direct contact.
Act Swiftly, Firmly, and Without Unnecessary Argument
When action is necessary, do it confidently. Don’t get drawn into debate or justification.
Standing up for yourself doesn’t mean fighting every battle—it means choosing your
battles wisely and acting decisively when your rights or boundaries are crossed.
Taking Back Control from a Bully
Dealing with a bully, especially during or after a divorce, can be draining. But remember:
you control how you respond.
Ignoring what doesn’t matter, communicating strategically, and acting decisively when
necessary allows you to protect your peace and maintain your dignity.
At Schantz Fanning, PC, our experienced divorce and family law attorneys help clients
across Washington County, Oregon navigate high-conflict situations with strength and
clarity. Whether you’re facing an aggressive ex, a manipulative co-parent, or any other
form of bullying behavior, we’re here to help you take back control.
