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Links | Community Resources | Books + Articles
BOOKS + ARTICLES
Parent Coaching
Protecting Children From Harm During and After Divorce
Herman M. Frankel, M.D. and Jean Staeheli
Portlanders Herman M. Frankel, M.D. and Jean Staeheli work with parents before, during, and after divorce, helping them develop the orientation, commitment, and skills they need for serving the best interests of their children in this new phase of the family's life. Jean is a nationally published author of books about parenting and family life. Herman is a pediatrician, teacher, and author of the national award-winning Dealing With Loss: A Guidebook for Helping Your Children During and After Divorce.
Divorce mediation, parent coaching, and other non-adversarial interventions have just gotten a big boost from a major researcher. This is good news for children of divorce.
In her recent ten-year review of studies that focus on the effects of divorce and parental conflict on children, prominent divorce researcher Joan Kelly emphasized the proven value of mediation and other supportive, non-adversarial interventions. Even though the popular media (Yahoo!News, for example) generally ignored this point and highlighted other aspects of her findings, Kelly was quite explicit in discussing the importance and the demonstrated benefits of such non-adversarial interventions as divorce mediation and skill-building programs for parents.
"Divorce mediation," Kelly says, "has provided divorcing couples with a powerful and effective alternative to the adversarial process, and both comprehensive mediation in the private sector and court-connected custody mediation have increased in availability and utilization in the past decade." She notes the following:
- Divorcing men and women report being more satisfied with mediation processes compared with those using adversarial processes to settle their divorce disputes.
- Mediation is effective in time and expense, and effective even with angry clients.
- Relitigation rates are lower, and compliance with agreements occurs at higher rates among mediated couples.
- None of the empirical research has supported the early claims advanced by critics of mediation that women are disadvantaged by the mediation process in either custody or financial outcomes.
- When parents were randomly assigned to a mediation or adversarial process, those in the "mediation" group were significantly more likely to reach agreement prior to a court hearing than those in the adversarial group.
The part of the marital dissolution agreement that deals with parenting plays a central role in the life of the post-divorce family. Kelly discusses the benefits to children of joint legal custody, and of well-defined schedules which specify time with each parent (including overnight time). She points out that mediation leads to more joint legal custody agreements than do litigated outcomes, and, in some jurisdictions, to more expanded time with the non-residential parent.
It is extremely important, of course, that agreements be written in the best interests of the children. But, as anyone involved in this process knows, the paper agreement is only part of the story. At least as important are the attitudes of the parents, their skill in communicating with each other in a positive way, and their ability to resolve conflicts. Parents who exhibit these skills, or start developing them, at the beginning of the divorce process are most likely to come up with a plan that will benefit their children, and they are more likely to make the plan work once it's down on paper.
As parent coaches, we help parents develop these attitudes and skills. Recently, for example, we were asked by two family law attorneys to work with their clients before they began their work with a family mediator. The couple came to us expressing mutual criticism and contempt, each responding with defensiveness and avoidance. In the course of two two-hour sessions, in which we listened, spoke on behalf of each of them to the other, modeled ways of interacting, invited them to practice in our presence, and provided them with print materials we had prepared for them, they began to demonstrate the ability to interact with some expectation of comfortable process and positive outcome. Subsequent feedback from their mediator, their attorneys, and the clients themselves supported the value of this brief coaching. Further, they have decided to include in their marital dissolution agreement a schedule for continuing the coaching sessions after the divorce, and a commitment to continue developing their ability to function effectively as co-parents in the post-divorce family.
We have found over the years that big changes like these aren't always possible. But little changes can make a big difference, even in the presence of alienation or high levels of conflict. The important message is this: Divorce harms children. Parental conflict harms children even more. Much of the damage can be prevented or reduced by helping parents develop the attitudes and skills that permit their children to get the best possible parenting, from both parents, after the marriage is over. And isn't this what really matters?
References:
1. Kelly J. Children's adjustment in conflict marriage and divorce: a decade review of research. Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry 39 (8):963-973. (At www.jaacap.com, select "Search," enter "kelly j," and choose "Full Text".)
2. Reuters. Marital conflict may hurt children more than divorce. July 26, 2000. (http://dailynews.yahoo.com/h/n/20000726/hl/conflict_1.html)
[Herman and Jean included much of this material in an article they wrote in September 2000 for the quarterly newsletter of the Oregon Mediation Association. They may be reached at The DivorceworkTMCenter, Portland Health Institute, Inc., 1800 SW First Avenue, Suite 510, Portland, OR 97201-5322, (503) 227-1860, or at frankelh@earthlink.net.]
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